My friend Brian has a wonderful post called “Eight Things I Don’t Need to Hear from Straight People”. It’s a really great post about people who are trying to be supportive, but who say hurtful things. With his permission I am adapting the post and writing about things I don’t need to hear from cisgender people. This isn’t saying that all cisgender people say these things, or that the people who do say these things are mean or cruel, but it is about calling out hurtful behaviour and about hopefully helping people to be better allies. I realize that we all make mistakes (I have even done some of the things on this list), but my hope is that once attention is called to the hurtful things we do and say that we can change those behaviours and move on.
This is an incomplete list and probably won’t be true to everyone’s experience, but these are things that I have heard a lot and am tired of hearing. Feel free to add your own in the comments!
* Upon telling someone that I am transgender, having that person say “oh, I already knew because you have (insert whatever “feminine feature” here)”. This is incredibly insulting for a number of reasons. One, it assumes that you can tell someone is trans* just by looking at them and this is simply not the case. Two, I already worry that I don’t fit in properly or that something about me will “give me away” (especially in a dangerous situation) and you have now fed into my fears and insecurities. Even if what you have said is true, it’s hurtful.
Along with the above I’d like to add that just because I told you that I’m trans* does not give you permission to tell other people. You shouldn’t assume that because I told one person that I am always open about my trans* status. It should be my decision about when to tell someone I am trans* and it puts me in danger when you out me without my permission.
* When I tell someone that a particular term they use is hurtful or that I won’t answer a certain question and they respond “Well, my other trans* friend lets me call them that and they’re not offended!” All trans* people are not the same. We don’t experience our genders the same or our transitions the same. What might be perfectly okay for one trans* person is totally offensive for another. It’s confusing, I know, but it’s also the truth of diverse people. Not all of your friends are the same why would you assume that all trans* people are the same? Instead of getting defensive respect the boundaries that I am placing around conversation.
* “You must have a really unique view of what it’s like to be both genders!” I get this one a lot. For some folks it might be true, but it’s not true for me and it’s kind of frustrating to hear it. I have always been visibly queer so I have no idea what it’s like to get treated like a straight woman. I have no idea about how to move through the world in that way. Even before transition I was never a woman. So, no, I don’t know what it’s like to be both genders (and this also assumes that there are only two genders which is also false!).
* “Wow, that’s really cool, I totally support you, so are you like fully male now?” This is another one I get way too often. In what universe is it polite or acceptable to ask about the genitalia of someone else? If I am not planning on being intimate with you it is none of your damn business what’s in my pants. I wish I could say it was a rare occasion when someone asked me about my surgical status and/or genitals but it happens pretty often. There is this idea that the person asking will only accept me as male if I have all of the proper equipment.
* I don’t need you to apologize profusely when you misgender me. Apologize once, don’t do it again, let’s move on. This happened a lot when I was early in my transition. Someone would use the wrong pronoun and then fall all over themselves to apologize. That may seem like a nice thing to do, but in reality it just calls attention to the situation and makes the misgendered person feel worse. It was also often the case that the person doing the profuse apologizing would promptly mess up the pronoun again. Here’s how to handle the situation: Apologize once, don’t do it again. That’s all. And if someone corrects you about their preferred pronoun, don’t get defensive. Just use the correct one next time.
* If a trans* person tells you something is offensive to trans* people do not respond “You’re just being too sensitive!” or “It was just a joke!” This happens all the time, especially as the mass media still thinks that it’s okay to make jokes about trans* people, particularly trans* women. You don’t get to tell someone who is oppressed what is or isn’t offensive. The reality is that a lot of what passes for “jokes” in the media are laced with a history of devaluing the lives of trans* women which puts them in danger. Any time a trans* person is made into a joke or dehumanized it gives license to those who wish to do violence to trans* people. Instead of making excuses, work to change the culture which finds such things “funny”.
Again, this post isn’t about dog piling on cisgender people, but it is about calling out behaviour that is inappropriate and hurtful no matter how well meaning. I’ve had great friends and even people I consider allies make some of the above mistakes. It doesn’t mean they are big jerks or that they aren’t trying, they just need a little education (as we all do when we face something that is outside of our realm of experience).
Do you have things you’re sick of hearing from cisgender people? Let us know in the comments!
UPDATE: This post was so popular, I wrote a follow up post: 8 Awesome Things Cisgender People Can Do! Check it out!
Thanks for this post! It’s an important reminder even for those of us that try to be friends and allies. That’s a journey which is never complete and I can always use more resources!
Some things I’ve had the pleasure of hearing…
“Why would you want to be male?” It’s not a want. I *am*.
“So how does sex work?” or “So if you sleep with women does that make them lesbians?”
“Wow, I know someone else who’s trans, I guess that’s becoming a big thing.” Hahahaha… oh I’m not touching that one.
Someone was hounding me with every question about my transition, my body, how certain surgeries work. She wasn’t trying to be rude so I answered a lot of her questions so she could understand some of the things I have to deal with. In response, “Wow, you’re like my own personal Discovery Channel!”
please don’t by me things intended for my birth assigned gender without checking with me in advance (you don’t have to be specific about what it is within reason). Yes I know you accept me as male. Yes I know you just intended it as a joke. Yes I know you did the same for your cis friend and they found it hilarious. I would find it funny were it not for the fact that it instantly stresses me out and raises the concern at the back of my head that it’s some sort of subtle hint/jibe/dig at my trans status, even when that’s not your intention and to be honest I have enough stress to be getting on with.
“Have you had the surgery yet?”
Do you seriously think it’s ok to ask someone you know casually, or in a business relationship, about their genitals? Here’s a hint, if we’re not going to be intimate then it’s none of your business. After all, I haven’t asked you to tell me about your genitals have I?
I usually respond with “have you?” or “oh, are you offering to pay?” depending on how snarky I’m feeling at the time.
I’m cisgender, but here are some other things I’m pretty sure transgender people don’t want to hear:
-”So uh, what made you want to be a dude?” Or if you’re male to female, “What made you want to be a chick?”
-”So, uh, did they sew on a spare penis?”
-”Oh, you mean like Cher’s daughter, right?” (Of course I have to confess that I sometimes accidentally say “Chastity” instead of “Chaz”)
And no, I have not said any of these things!
I met up with two different friends on different occasions following my coming out to them, and they both felt compelled to tell me about a hilarious joke they had seen on their respective favourite TV shows; the hilarious jokes’ subjects were trans women, and since we all know that trans people are hardly ever portrayed positively the jokes were actually offensive… Thanks for mentioning that guys but um…
Said by a drag queen when trying to get me to be more “feminine” (why would a drag KING need to be more feminine anyway?): “I guess that’ll be difficult for you since you’ve worked so hard to weed that out of yourself.” Uh, no. I never WAS feminine and don’t have a feminine bone in my body. Just because I was born female doesn’t mean I know how to be a female!
Thanks for this. These are good reminders for me. As a cisgender male, queer person, and trans* ally, I can sometimes think, “Oh, I’ve got this!” when, in fact, I am merely human like everyone else. A well-written blog like this helps me be mindful.
Thanks.
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The outing thing is complicated. Once you’ve told someone something, unless you make a point of telling them you consider it to be in the strictest confidence, they may well tell other people. Any kind of secret is a burden to keep, and not everyone will want to have that level of responsibility for helping keep yours. Expecting people to just know where and when you feel it’s ok to be out is shifting too much of the responsibility to them. You really can’t assume they should know it’s a secret, you need to emphasize that it is when you tell them. And even ask before you tell them if they’re ready to accept a confidence and are prepared to keep it. If you’re that concerned about keeping safe, you need to be doing the boundary keeping yourself. This really isn’t different from anyone who’s queer and not out in all situations.
I both agree and disagree with you. I think you’re right, that a trans* person should be clear about whether or not they are out. But on the other hand (and I speak only for myself here), I think that any kind of private information you share with another person should be kept in confidence. That’s what friendship is about. I think if my telling someone I’m trans* puts a burden of secrecy on them, then that raises the question of why my trans* status is such a burden. That language makes it sound like my being trans* is something awful and heavy which is concerning. It also raises the question of why my being trans* matters to whoever it is you’re talking to about it.
I also think that being out as trans* and being out as queer is VERY different and the two should not be conflated. I transitioned to be make my body match my gender. I am male. So when you see and interact with me as male you are seeing and interacting with who I am. I am not hiding anything or “pretending” to be something I am not. This isn’t the same as a queer person who pretends to be straight in certain situations (and I am not judging someone who needs to not be out about their queerness for whatever reason, but it’s not the same thing).
as far as it being my responsibility to be doing the boundary keeping and keeping myself safe I would ask what is the purpose of community? I believe we have a responsibility to look out for one another. Part of being in relationship with me and helping to keep me, your friend, safe means not outing me to people. If I have trusted you enough to tell you this part of my history, then I hopefully can trust you enough to keep it to yourself.
I’m not trying to be combative and I don’t know you or your situation, but for me, the questions you raise are concerning and sound like they assume things about a trans* persons history and what it means to be trans* that don’t match with my understanding of my own history at least. Please feel free to correct me if I’m misreading your comment.
And I’m not understanding how you can say other people should just know that they shouldn’t talk about your trans status because it’s private, but then feel like that doesn’t make it a secret. People assume cisgender as the default. I’m not saying don’t tell anyone, but don’t assume everyone will know you aren’t comfortable having people know. Maybe the disconnect we’re having is that I know a lot of out trans folks. So if someone told me they were trans, I wouldn’t see it as a big deal, or something that I automatically shouldn’t mention. The way I wouldn’t expect not to mention if someone were gay or bi. Also, to me queer covers everything from gay to trans to genderqueer to kinky. It’s a really big umbrella. Maybe in your community there aren’t many people who are out? All I’m saying is if you’ve had the experience of telling someone your status, and then they told other people, do yourself a favor and let anyone you’re telling know you consider it something to be kept private. People can’t just read your mind on that.
Maybe an experience I had would help clarify a bit… Shay you can tell us if it fits.
Recently I status updated about meeting with Shay to hear about his ordination to the Old Catholic Church. I was subsequently surprised when a friend (who I know is unsupportive of GLBT rights) liked my update. Honestly my first thought was to say something about his transition, but as I thought about it for a second I realized that it wasn’t her business for multiple reasons, but beyond that there is no reason for me to raise controversy or imply that the most significant thing about Shay’s ordination is that he is trans. The most significant thing about his ordination is that he will make an amazing priest and God has called him to an amazing journey. If my friend is going to “like” that with me than I should make a point to give her information that might confuse her completely right-headed admiration. I feel like the situation could happen in a myriad of ways. There is just no reason to make someone’s transition the a need to know aspect. If in speaking of or introducing my friends who are trans* I can just talk about their personality and all the other things that I find meaningful to mention about any cis friend. I usually don’t find it important to bring out their birth gender assignment, so why would that be so important in any other case?
They only time I have felt really compelled to mention this before someone met a friend of mine was in talking to my mom and family about a friend I invited to my wedding… basically to make it clear that I supported her and her transition and wanted her to feel welcome. This was in the case where she was in very early stages of transitioning.
Yes. This is great. Thanks for sharing this. It’s helpful to hear you go through your thought process on this!
If I could please ask a rather ignorant question to better understand… Why is the “*” used after trans? Thanks for helping me to be a better ally!
It’s not ignorant at all. From what I understand this is kind of a new convention. It’s a shorthand to symbolize the diversity of the trans* community. According to @Sarahgoat on twitter: “Geekfact re *: it’s universal Boolean search signifier. Use instead of suffix, it brings back all.” and according to @teazug: “Some gq/non-binary ppl see ‘trans’ as binary specific – ‘trans man’ etc, so trans*=ppl of any trans flavour”. Hope that helps!
Why does trans* always have that asterisk? I’m not familiar with the practice, what does the asterisk signify?
I just responded to this question earlier today. If you check out the response to the comment ahead of yours, you’ll see the explanation.
The absolute WORST is when you tell someone and then they feel like they should start calling me by my birth gender pronouns. You’ve never even known me as a chick why in hell do you think I want to be called she now?!?
Though that’s not usually from the ally types. BUT I have gotten that from people who totally don’t seem to care that I’m trans in any respect other than feeling like I should be called a lady.
OH OR- “So what’s your REAL name?” I mean MAYBE I’ll be willing to tell you my birth name… but maybe not and my real name is the one I use and I ask you to call me and as a matter of fact is right here on my state I.D. Even if my name wasn’t legally changed that would still be rude.
Thank you. I liked this post; I’ll be sharing it on my social network sites. Wait, this comment is really bland-sounding. I’m not a bot, I swear.
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Thanks for this – much helpful. A few observations as someone who tries to be an ally (knowing that I screw up more than I’d like to admit):
1) Don’t question when you feel someone’s gender expression doesn’t matches their gender identity. I’ve had cross dressers tell me they are in girl mode when they might present as masculine (e.g., wearing a beard) for example – none of my damn business to question how they chose to self-identify.
Unless someone is pulling a Larry Craig by living a closeted life while harming LGBT folks, I let people self-identify as they want and leave it at that.
2) Just because you can use trans* slurs doesn’t mean you should – this is similar to white boys using the N-word. I will support to to the end you’re right to free speech but words can be deadly when used against trans folks. Let your trans friend talk about embracing his inner (insert trans* slur) and you simply agree and leave it at that.
As a genderqueer; reading this post helps me identify what my friends do wrong and teach them to not do it again. Although I have things that apply specifically to genderqueers.
Write a journal and try to read over it every few days.
Take your time in coming out to friends and family but be patient while doing so.
Should you join the military; DO NOT let your recruiter know as that will immediately disqualify you.