I’ve been getting emails lately asking what people can do to be better allies. I’ve also been observing behaviour online in various circles from people claiming to be allies. I also spend time with other queer folks talking about what we need and want from people who are working in solidarity with us and so I thought I would share some suggestions here. I’m not gonna lie; some of this is gonna be tough love. But we’re all adults here and if you want to be in solidarity with me then I’m hoping you care enough to take some criticism. Here we go:
* First, can we please stop using the term “ally”? It’s messed up for several reasons. The best and clearest response I’ve seen as to why we should stop using the word is in this post. But I’ve also seen a lot of people claiming this term for themselves who are not at all working in solidarity with me. In fact, some of them still think I’m a “sinner” for being queer. Here’s the thing: You don’t get to call yourself an ally. The community with which you are trying to be in solidarity gets to call you an ally. They get to decide if the work you are doing is helpful or harmful.
* Listen. I need you to listen. Listen when I tell you that what you’re doing isn’t helpful. Listen when I tell you what I actually need. Listen when someone gets upset with you. I know it can be tough, but this is the best thing you can do as an ally.
* This work is not about you. So stop trying to make it about you. Being in solidarity with people can be hard work, I get that. But the thing is, you have a choice at any time to walk away.
* Get involved in work that is being led by queer people. Work alongside us. This way you can be sure that the work you are doing is something that will actually benefit queer people.
* Stop expecting queer people to educate you. Do some research and reading. I even set up a page to get you started.
* Stop apologizing. Stop raising money to make tshirts that apologize to queer people. Stop showing up at OUR pride events to apologize. We don’t need your apology. We need you to be working with us to enact change. Apologies are cheap unless they are backed by concrete action. Also, your apology makes it all about you and again, this work is not about you. (And raising money off of the oppression of queer folks without giving that money back to organizations that aid the most vulnerable like queer youth homeless shelters is really shady.)
* Having queer people on your board or having a queer friend or two doesn’t give you a pass to do whatever you want so long as that person signs off on it. There is a multiplicity of understandings in the queer community. What might be helpful to one person is not helpful to another. Don’t discount criticism just because one or two people have signed off on your actions.
* Stop feeling sorry for me. While there is oppression in the world and while we need to name oppression, that doesn’t mean that I am a victim. Yes, I face challenges because I’m trans* but I also have a fierce life. I have amazing friends. I have been blessed by my queerness in ways that are too manifold to count. But even if I hadn’t been, feeling sorry for me doesn’t help to change the structures that cause oppression.
* When someone calls you out for something, take it to heart and move on. You will make mistakes. It’s okay. It happens. So take the criticism, change your behaviour, and get back to work.
I am thankful for people who truly want to be in solidarity with me. But I am getting tired of having people who claim they are on my side do work that harms my community, work that disempowers queer folks, and then getting bent out of shape when queer people call them out on it.
Privilege is tricky. Different privileges overlap with one another and interplay with each other. One can be privileged in one area and oppressed in another. Privilege is something that needs to be examined every day throughout the day. For instance, since I transitioned I have gained privilege. I get male privilege. I get white privilege. But at the same time as a trans* person there is oppression that I face. These things live in tension and I need to be aware of them. I need to be aware of the ways in which I am oppressing other people even as I am oppressed. I need to be aware of how the privilege I hold just by virtue of being a white man plays into systems of oppression. By being aware of these things I can work to change the systems. It does me no good to feel bad about my privilege. Instead I need to use that privilege in healthy ways and change the systems.
There is a lot of work to be done. I want us to be working with one another to get it done.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
GREAT post, Shay! Thank you. i do have to say that the work Kathy Baldock is doing with her straight apology IS accomplishing a lot and many have been deeply touched by it. An apology goes a long way i think. She is doing much work to bridge a gap. i know her heart as she is a dear friend. Maybe i am wrong but i see and hear about people all over the place appreciating her work.
There’s a video on Canyonwalker Connections called “Transgenders In The Church” … transgenders?! There’s some basic 101 / respect missing there. I’m sure EVERYONE has a great heart, that doesn’t mean that people with big hearts and great intentions don’t step all over other people.
She lost me at transwoman – this blog reminds me of a teenager returning form their mission trip who is full on fire for the Lord but doesn’t know how to put this into context at all. Well, at least she didn’t use transgendered – a term I was guilty of using a year ago until a few people set me straight as it were. In fact thanks to the trans community, I just corrected my editor who edited one of my terms I used why the original was right. Thanks y’all for being patient during my learning curve process – the more I learn, the less I know.
i also think there is a larger question here: what is she doing OTHER than apologizing? What concrete actions is she taking to stop oppression? Why is she raising money to make tshirts instead of giving that money to homeless queer youth?
I can apologize and feel bad that other people are oppressed and I am privileged but unless I DO something about it then my words are hollow. And if I raise money off of other people’s oppression to fund my own endeavors then I am benefiting from the systems that keep them oppressed.
This is another situation of someone who has privilege who now has a book deal, makes money (even if not a lot) off of this endeavor, gets hired to speak places, etc. etc. etc. She claims that she goes to secular queer events to keep faith in the equation. Really? The trans* health conference has an entire spirituality track run by trans* people.
I’m not trying to attack you, Adele, but her work makes me angry and it points to the ever growing problem of people with privilege and power speaking at and for communities they are not a part of.
Thanks for reminding us about the entire faith track at the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference! There is some fierce faith, some immensely faithful people, and a whole lot of beautiful, mind-blowing, awesome theology coming from the trans faith and spirituality presenters at PTHC.
There’s also Trans Faith Online!
i think trans faith online is in a reboot process. the site as it now stands is REALLY hard to navigate (or at least the forums are). so just be aware. still some good resources on there, though.
I met Kathy at the Outlaw Preachers gathering and I know she has a huge heart. Knowing she came from a conservative upbringing and has totally turned around her theology is so encouraging. It seems that her “straight apology” HAS touched many LGBTQ that were in a place that needed/deserved to hear that from some one in the progressive Christian community. She is taking a bold and risky step (she gets tons of hate mail from the fundies) while most Christians that DO support LGBTQ rights simply sit quietly and do nothing. I’m sure her boldness has encouraged such “frozen chosen” people to finally start to speak up – I know it encouraged me (as did Adele’s story!)! And I applaud her maintaining connections with and speaking into the evangelical community – I know I would not have the patience to do that! So, please give her some “grace space” for wanting to DO something – we need MORE compassionate people like her.
That said, the criticisms of some of Kathy’s unintended “faux pas” are valid and important, and I’m sure she would welcome loving help in correcting them. I am SO thankful I have close friends like as Darrell and Adele that have helped me navigate my goofy, misguided (but heart-felt) attempts at trying to be an ally. This really highlights the importance of what Jules and Adele and you are asking for – the need for the straight/privileged ally-wanna-be’s/supporters to stop assuming knowledge, to shut up, put down the microphone, get off the “stage” and simply LISTEN to your stories and LEARN what is needed to come along side. As this country moves beyond the “tipping point”, a lot more “me’s” and “Kathy’s” and “Becky’s” will be awkwardly stepping forward with a compassionate heart to want the DO something to shut down the voices of fear, and so access to your loving guidance will be more essential than ever.
I love Shirley Ostrander’s comment below:
“I choose to say that I do not stand(sit) behind in support and not in front trying to protect, but beside in solidarity with you. Only by working with you [and listening] do I avoid condescending attitudes and treat you as equal – as my friend and fellow human being beloved by God in all our uniqueness.”
I definitely think that kathy’s motives are right and that she genuinely loves queer folks. But there is something deeply distressing to me that this is her full time job. It’s not just a mission; she has made a career out of it. With queer people working multiple jobs just to make ends meet, queer homeless youth, etc and a straight woman can have a full time career filled with travel talking about my oppression? Seems really strange to me.
And this final note isn’t about Kathy per se but about all of the people who have careers around someone’s oppression: I wonder if they are more invested in the status quo because they get a lot out of it. If things change they lose their careers. Something to think about.
I didn’t realize that it was a full-time job for her. It is fascinating identifying the fine, fuzzy line between “passion and profession”, and what that might mean…
Very good! Took me a while to figure out most of these things on my own, of course. But you live and learn.
And you’re right about overlapping privilege. I used to get really really really defensive when I was called out. My immediate reaction would be something like, “My mom worked two jobs! I didn’t have a daddy growing up! Don’t you dare call me privileged!” Of course that’s before I learned that while I might not be privileged in some others, I am in others.
Live and learn indeed! The temptation is always to say “Well if you want THAT from me, that’s SO MUCH, I just can’t do ANYTHING RIGHT, I’ll just give up!” Sure, that’s an option.
I think though, or at least I’ve found in my experience, that learning and doing some hard work myself is infinitely more rewarding. I’m glad to hear that’s been true for you too, Travis!
Travis – you bring up a good point about being defensive. I commented via Facebook recently about yet another emergent book penned by 4 white dudes that came out of Calvin College – the amount of vitriol directed back at me was mind blowing. Same with a host of other convos I’ve been having. When you challenge the empires that folks have built to sell themselves as author/speakers on the Xn circuit, expect a lot of pushback. But we must keep pushing back – I am starting to see serious signs that the walls are starting to crumble that weren’t there even six months ago.
Thx for this post. Really liked the part abt overlapping privilege & oppression. Also, your comments abt Kathy were very helpful.
I should make it clear that I don’t know Kathy personally. My thoughts are about the information and articles she has posted on her website and the public things posted in various forums.
She has a very good heart and is NOT out to oppress anyone!
I think Shay has repeatedly stated that whether or not someone is “out” to do something, their words and actions can still have hurtful and harmful effects.
Titling a video “Transgenders in the church” is one such example.
i did not know she did this and am sorry. i think she is trying really hard to be a help and is trying her best coming from a charismatic background. MAYBE i am wrong here. i dunno. i have been wrestling with all this and at times i get so discouraged with all this fighting.
Ok, so i am wrong about all this. i am ignorant. Maybe you should inform her then so she can ponder her actions. She obviously is ignorant of how she is hurting people.
I found this post very helpful! I could replace ‘queer with ‘persons with disabilities’ and it spoke my heart so well! I think that is a mark of universal truth and as such we all need to pay attention.
I choose to say that I do not stand(sit) behind in support and not in front trying to protect, but beside in solidarity with you. Only by working with you do I avoid condescending attitudes and treat you as equal – as my friend and fellow human being beloved by God in all our uniqueness.
Shay, thanks for sharing this “tough love” with those of us who are non-gay and seek to love and support our friends in the LGBTQ community. I know I need to be reminded of these things you’ve said here.
At the same time, I want to just add my voice to defend Kathy Baldock’s work as well, because I think you’re in danger of shooting “one of the good guys.” While there are things she can certainly learn from your critique and outside perspective on her work, I also think the work she is doing is very important — esp. to those of us who are non-gay Christians, encouraging us to “come out” in support of gay rights and speak up against bullying and bigotry, etc. As an evangelical, she has an important voice in those circles that you and I don’t have and probably would never have.
So I hope Kathy is listening to this conversation and is open to hearing the critique that you’re bringing. But at the same time, Shay, I hope you’re open to hearing my critique of your judgment against her work. We’re all in this together. None of us is perfect. Continue to share “tough love,” but please do it in love, not judgment or condemnation. As you said at the end, “I want us to be working with one another to get it done.”
http://www.derailingfordummies.com/
Thanks for the link, Brian. I’ll read it.
Thanks for this! I don’t know how I’m just reading it now, but it’s incredible. Thank you again!
I sure would appreciate if some of you would speak directly TO ME about this . If you have questions–ASK me directly.
I just read all this and I cannot imagine you not speaking to me and holding these views. If you have a problem with ME, you come to ME. Privilege? I am sitting here reading all this to my closest friend, and she just keeps saying “wow, they have no idea”. I wish one of you had come directly to me. I am findable and Adele does know me, as does Jeff.
It is offensive to read this.If you knew what I gave / give up and I have not walked away. I could yes, but I have not.
The $$$ for the tees–paying the legal fees to set up a non prof. Which does not come even close to the $2k it takes. The money I live on–$20K last year. My savings, people that believe in what I do. My former career–number one sales person at a tech company. I walked away.
Come on folks, I may not have all the pieces, but I do work in arenas none of you show up in. God has a piece for each of us. I would hope there would have been respect enough to talk to me rather than correct me publicly and then make some assessment with NOT one personal word exchanged.
And the apology–it DOES work. For some, maybe not for you. Matt 18 would have been respectful.
Kathy: Maybe I’m being a little daft here, but it doesn’t appear to me that you followed Matthew 18 to the letter either? You know, coming and publicly voicing your concerns rather than sending the author a private message cloaked in love and respect.
Derailing for Dummies is a must read, I am beginning to think, for all straight people who want to call themselves our “allies.” And ESPECIALLY those involved in evangelical Christianity who are not terribly well-versed in anti-oppression work and rhetoric.
Fascinating and insightful perspective on being an ally from outside the “church” box: http://zackfordblogs.com/2011/01/queer-and-queerer-ep-38-who-made-you-the-drag-queen-of-the-gay-agenda/
thanks for posting this jeff! i haven’t gotten to listen to it yet, but i definitely will. (i’m so bad about podcasts! i need to get into this new century! ;P)
Pingback/Trackback
Why I’m queer, too « post
“Also, your apology makes it all about you and again, this work is not about you.”
Exactly.
I think most people involved in this conversation wouldn’t deny that apologies occurring within the context of close, personal relationships are often meaningful and healing. The reference to apologies in this blog post isn’t about those that occur within the context of close, personal relationships, though. Right?
So, in discussing Kathy’s (I only mention her because that’s where this is going–I initially read it with both her and her “straight apology” predecessors in mind) personal attributes and good qualities, we’re distracting ourselves from the core issue and placing too much emphasis on intentions.
Broad, public apologies definitely attract heaps of attention, but . . . they don’t possess any dismantling power.
We don’t need anymore straight heroes. In fact, patting them on the back for being kind is analogous to packing mortar between the cracks of a wall we’re trying to tear down.