Sometimes I am amazed at how different people and things can seem when you revisit them. I had the opportunity to visit some people from a church that I used to work for while I was visiting my family. When I began working at this church I thought it was incredibly liberal/progressive. It was so different from the churches of my youth. They encouraged intellectual wondering, they supported women pastors, there were some in the church that supported gay and lesbian people, and I was amazed. I was shocked to see faithful people who were able to hold these progressive views. It seemed so new and radical.

Now, going back, I see how much my views have changed since then. Back then I was the conservative in their midst. Going back now I realize I am much more radical. It’s just really interesting to see my perspective about that experience shift as I revisit.

Obviously as my body has changed from transitioning, going back to places is always a bit of a gamble. At this point I have to reintroduce myself to people; even people I was very close to. It seems fitting that my body is so changed as my mind is so changed as well.

It was also interesting being in a place among people who don’t accept my gender identity; people who still use female pronouns, etc. It seems strange to hear people call me by the wrong pronouns. I know they don’t fit anymore. It’s also strange to realize that I’m at the point in my transition where if someone uses the wrong pronoun for me in public, they are the one that looks a bit nuts. There were definitely moments of awkwardness as people who don’t accept my gender interacted with people who see my gender correctly. Both pronouns were used, people talked around one another, and yet the people who see me can’t see anything other than the man that I am which is a very comforting thing. It is difficult, though, to navigate other people’s expectations. I found myself worrying about what other people saw when they saw me and I had to work to just let that go and be myself. To realize that if other people were feeling uncomfortable that it wasn’t my fault. I feel so at home in my skin these days and it was hard to feel anxiety again about my body. At the same time, there is nothing that helps my dysphoria quite as much as realizing that there is no part of my body that has gone unchanged by testosterone. I sometimes worry that my body hasn’t changed enough or that there are parts of my body that will somehow “give me away” (it also doesn’t help that some folks have said to me that certain parts of my body gave me away). But on this trip I realized how untrue those thoughts are. Being in a place where certain people still believe me to be female I realized how masculine my body is. From the way my hands and arms look to the hairiness of my legs, to the fact that I had to shave every morning to keep my face clear of hair (and even that didn’t really work). My body is a man’s body. There are parts that are maybe not “typical” (whatever that means), but this body is male now. Realizing that is a huge relief and does wonders to my own continuing sense of dysphoria.

The hardest part of this trip being a trans* person was navigating airport security and navigating restrooms while out with my family.

At the airport they wanted me to go through the full body scanner and I asked for a pat down instead. This was incredibly anxiety producing, but it turned out fine. The TSA agent was incredibly respectful, explained the whole process to me and explained everything before he did it. The most awkward parts were the searching of the waistband (basically he had his hands inside my pants) and the searching of the inner thigh and crotch area (because I wasn’t wearing my prosthesis). But it was fine and I was soon on my way.

Navigating restrooms was a different story. Clearly I cannot use a woman’s restroom. I wouldn’t dream of it. But how do you handle being out in public with people who don’t accept you as male and would expect you to use the women’s restroom? I didn’t want to get into a fight with them, nor did I think they would understand just how big of a safety concern this might be. Instead I managed to leave the group and use the restroom alone. But it was definitely stressful. I worried that I would be outed by the people I was with which could put me into an incredibly unsafe situation. I also worried that using the correct restroom would really strain relationships with the people I was with. Once again proving that restroom situations remain super, super stressful for me as a transgender person. Restrooms have been the site of some of the most acute situations of anxiety and fear. This thing that so many people take for granted and which has been something that I have had to think about so, so often. It was incredibly stressful but I am thankful that I was able to use the restroom safely.

In spite of some of my complaints in this post I am thankful and fortunate to have a family that loves me (even as they don’t understand this). They are making some progress and strides toward respecting me even as there is also a long way to go. But I am thankful to have such fierce love in my life. There were many beautiful moments on this trip that I am still trying to find words to express.

It’s something cisgender folks often take for granted, I think, the ease with which they can travel. When you pack for vacation you grab whatever clothing seems the most comfortable or appropriate for what you’re planning on doing. You grab your documents and you’re good to go.

It’s a much different experience for me when I travel. Tomorrow I am heading out on a trip to visit my family. My family loves me, but they don’t support my transition. This makes packing difficult. I have to weed through my tshirts to make sure that whatever I am wearing isn’t “gay” or too political. I have to stress about our family beach trip because I know there will be issues with the fact that I don’t shave my legs. I can’t really wear shorts for the same reason so even though it’ll be kind of hot while I’m back east, I’m mostly packing jeans. And then there’s the wedding we’ll be attending. Fortunately it’s a bit casual so I can get away with a dress shirt and dress pants, but it’s a bit stressful.

And all of this doesn’t even begin to deal with the simple stress of traveling by airport. I am fortunate in that the gender on my documents matches my appearance, but for many folks this is a huge issue because of the barriers around people being able to (or being able to afford to) change their documentation. I have to travel with needles and medication which isn’t a huge deal but is still an extra hassle. I stress about full body scanners, about whether I can wear my prosthesis or whether I should put it in my luggage (and the stress that if I put it in my luggage or carry on it will be deemed suspicious and result in an embarrassing search). I worry about pat downs or about potential outings/humiliation.

I realize that I am also privileged. Because I look like a straight white male I can sometimes avoid further scrutiny. I don’t have to worry that I am going to be singled out for my race as well as my trans* status. I am very aware of the ways in which I hold privilege in this area.

It’s things like this that make a vacation stressful. Things that are above and beyond the usual hassles of traveling. Things that most people don’t even have to think about.