I’ve been thinking a lot about “the shoulds” lately. There are so many things I feel like I “should” be doing: I should be out protesting injustice everywhere and getting arrested, I should be living in a communal house, I should be educating lots of people about trans* issues, I should be updating this blog more, I should be engaging in more conversations about queer inclusion in the church, I should go out more often with friends, I should read less and be more social, I should show up at community events, I should, I should, I should.
And then when I don’t do these things I feel guilty. Weighed down by feeling like I am not a good enough Christian, not a good enough radical, not a good enough person.
I was telling my friend Brian about all of this and he related something a friend once told him: “When I left the evangelical church I exchanged the guilt about hell and evangelism, etc. into a guilt around activism.” That really resonated with me. When I was in the evangelical church there was a priority placed up “witnessing”. In actuality there was a priority placed upon extroversion. And I never measured up. I was scolded for not being willing to go up to strangers and share my faith. Scolded for having only a couple of close, deep friendships instead of having shallow relationships with everyone around me. It was always a pressure to be and to do more.
And now I am in the liberal/progressive/radical circles and the pressure is back. The pressure to show up to community events, the pressure to protest, the pressure toward communal living. And once again I don’t measure up.
I just finished reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
But here’s the thing: If I forced myself to live communally (to pick one example) I would be a total jerk because I would be living without the space and resources I need to be a healthy person. Instead of giving back to the community I would resent my housemates. I would be exhausted and unhappy. What would be the good in that?
I am trying to learn how to be patient with myself. To uncover what it is that I really need to be a healthy and whole person. I am trying to let go of the guilt and “the shoulds”. I think there are times to push myself: There are times when I need to show up at a community event or a protest. But there is also the reality that I am built for different things. I need to live into my own unique giftings and not feel guilty about that.
I prefer to spend my weekends at home, alone, with a good book or three. I work best when I can be alone and uninterrupted. I don’t like a lot of noise in my living space. I love to preach and to do public speaking, but I need several hours to recover afterwards. I can sometimes be a more eloquent activist by writing a letter than I would be if I tried to speak about the issue. There is nothing wrong with any of these things (except the fact that they are rarely valued in the larger culture).
I am also trying to determine the areas in my life where I haven’t been living from my strengths; the places where I speak up even though I am not ready because I feel like I have to, the places where I have been pretending to be an extrovert for too long and so am feeling burnt out, and the places where I have been neglecting the things that make me feel whole (like journaling). I am trying to make sure that more of my life is lived from within the “sweet spot” (to use Cain’s wording) of my introversion.
I believe that we are meant to live into our wholeness. That divinity comes from that sweet spot. That being who we are and embracing who we are is a gift to the world. We need to stop with the shoulds and the guilt.
What are “the shoulds” that are burning you out? What guilt do you need to let go of? Who is it that you are meant to be? What unique calling do you have? Where is your “sweet spot” and how are you going to do more to live into that space this week?
You know what’s funny? I find myself thinking the EXACT. SAME. THINGS!!!! Even when I was going through my hipster evangelical phase back in ’08 (ah, those were the days!), I felt like I had to do penance every time I coffee that wasn’t fair-trade certified.
My problem is I think of promoting justice as a legalistic religious duty, and not something I do out of a love for God and my neighbor. So I, too, am learning to be patient with myself, and forgiving myself when I miss the mark.
Yes! Exactly! We’ve traded one legalism for another. And that doesn’t really do any good.
Amen, amen, and amen! You’ve gotten at exactly how I feel oftentimes, as I navigate my relationship with the liberal wing of the church (and the transition from evangelical to liberal, with all the guilt they both can come with).
In a way I was blessed to have a near-death experience (at a church-run camp) at age 19, because it really made me think differently about self-care, wholeness, and the thoughtless violence the church is capable of when it doesn’t emphasize wholeness and self-care. My personal theology is centered on wholeness of the person in community, tending the tension between individual and community so that neither is privileged at the expense of the other. Sabbath has become huge in my life, as has maintaining a healthy social life, even when I’m tired or frustrated.
Thanks for this post, Shay.
Thanks for this! Yes to this: “centered on the wholeness of the person in community, tending the tension between individual and community…” That’s exactly it!
Yes yes and yes. For me I tend to be massively optimistic about my capacity to achieve things, particularly mentally intensive tasks, and I don’t create humane expectations for myself. It ends up backfiring.
I so so relate! I have come to call it a religious addictiveness that I can apply to any program or system. I was taught that it was my responsiblity to change the world. I signed up for ministry to save the world. And now that I don’t feel comfortable being colonial by evangelistically witnessing to them – I still feel the need to be colonial by fixing the less fortunate or fighting the man. Religious codependency. Legalism. Grace. Grace. Grace. Grace! I hunger for it, long for it, need it, thirst for it in the very fibers of my cells!
Yeah, I resonate with this and have been pondering and speaking about this with different persons the last week. I think one problem with those of us that have been formed within an evangelical context, is that we have been taught that the individual has a very large responsibility for living right. We should not be sinning (too much), we have been taught, and everything is about individual human beings changing their ways. It´s about “hearts”, not structures. Then when some people move into a more radical worldview, the risk is that they still interpret the world through evangelical glasses, thinking that everything that is need is a bunch of people living a pure, sin-free life, although now one has abandoned this language and has changed and extended the list of what´s wrong.
One thing we need, I think, is coming to terms with the “fact” that most of the “sin” is the sin of system, and that we don´t have any responsibility for being born into this mess. It´s not even possible to live right, and it´s probably not even the right question to ask. I would like to think that it´s rather about how we can take steps towards a more joyful, loving and sustainable way of life, but at the same time having a modest view of how important personal changes are. Before the system is destroyed and we have more decent alternatives to this mess, we “should” not be too demanding towards ourselves and others. I think.
I read this last night and thought of you and this post. It’s from Brennan Manning’s “The Ragamuffin Gospel.”
“In every denomination and nondenominational persuasion Christians are seeking to win God’s favor by plunging into more spiritual activities, multiplying altars and sacrifices, making charitable contributions, lengthening the time of formal prayers, and getting involved in more church-related organizations.
“There is need for careful discernment here. The evidence of earnestness, sincerity, and effort is considerable. The Christian’s lifestyle is pious, proper, and correct. What’s missing?
“He or she is not surrendered to the Christ of grace.
“The danger with our good works, spiritual investments, and all the rest of it is that we can construct a picture of ourselves in which we situate our self-worth. Complacency then replaces sheer delight in God’s unconditional love. Our doing becomes the very undoing of the ragamuffin gospel.”
I don’t know if that’s helpful to you, but it was helpful to me as I wrestle with these same kinds of things.
I LOVE Brennan Manning! Thanks for sharing this. “The Ragamuffin Gospel” is a wonderful book.
I have had the same thoughts about shifting the guilt of the evangelical world to the activist world. Thanks for putting this into words. I really really relate to the bit about feeling like there was a necessity to be an out-going evangelical when I was younger. I had a lot of guilt and shame wrapped up in that. It’s extra complicated when you are young, and being outgoing means being cool and popular. I was a loner who couldn’t share my faith because I was shy. Those were shitty times. Thanks for sharing