Lately I’ve been feeling like a bit of an imposter. I’ve been feeling like if I talk about all of the things I DON’T know that somehow I’ll get found out and kicked out of the club.
Here’s the thing: Bottling it all up is just making me feel worse. So I’m going to name it: Sometimes I feel like a fraud. Sometimes I feel like I can’t be a Deacon in the NAOCC because I don’t know enough, because I am new to Catholicism, because I was wearing my alb backwards and it was all wrinkly (true story). I feel like I’m a fake.
But here’s what I do know: When I think of some of the people who have mostly deeply influenced my faith I think of Dorothy Day, Philip and Daniel Berrigan, Saint Benedict, John J. McNeill, and others. It’s these radical Catholics who have answered the call of God.
When I think about the places that I have felt at home in it’s the la Basilique du Sacre’ Coeur de Montmatre and all of the other cathedrals and small churches we wandered through in Paris. It’s in the stone and the chill. The silence and the candle light.
When I think of the people I most want to emulate it’s the people above and Thomas Merton, Sister Joan Chittister, Mother Theresa, Oscar Romero, and more.
I am drawn to the rich tradition of contemplative life, drawn to the mystery and wonder of the Mass, drawn to the liturgy of the hours, drawn to the rituals of a church that are unfamiliar to me but that feel like home.
So no, I don’t have all of the answers. I don’t know when to stand and when to kneel. There are generations of cultures and customs that leave me confused. My alb is on backwards and wrinkled and I can’t figure out how to attach the full band collar to my shirt quite yet. But I am in this. I am in this process and in this church because I believe in it and because it believes in me. And I believe that we need each other and will do something beautiful in the world.
“I am in this process and in this church because I believe in it and because it believes in me. And I believe that we need each other and will do something beautiful in the world.”
Yes, we will. We’ve all had moments or lifetimes of the impostor syndrome, and the secret, I think, is what you’ve done here: admit it and move forward in faith. I’m glad you’re where you are, Shay.
Having a name for what you feel is useful; it lets you realize that you are not the only one.
I would try not to fret. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes or not knowing everything. I do not expect my priest or deacon to know everything, but I do expect them to admit when they do not know, and I do appreciate it if they can try to find out.
There are a lot little things one picks up if one grows up in the Catholic church, but the benefit of not having grown up, is that in asking about them you can learn and find out more. When one simply picks up the knowledge without being taught it, then oftentimes there is a lack of understanding as to reasons behind it.
If you feel a calling in your heart and soul, if your spirit is drawn towards a life of service, that is what is important. Knowledge can come later.
Of course your post seems to indicate that you know this and are merely stating how you feel to get it in the open. I have found that to be very helpful myself, and my comments here are meant more support and reinforce what you already know.
Take care
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Ask the AR: Why Be Catholic?