I’ve been working on some guidelines to help allies think through questions that are okay to ask. Here’s what I’ve come up with and I would love folks’ thoughts (this is trans* specific language but I would hope that it could be more broadly applicable):
I would put questions into two camps:
1: Questions about issues trans* people face. I think these questions are important and help people to be a better ally. I can talk about job discrimination, access to medical care, etc.
2: Questions about the specific medical process. Unless you are planning to either date me, sleep with me, or transition yourself you probably don’t need to ask someone these questions. (also, can you google it? If so, that’s probably the best place to start.) It is most often the questions about medical processes, surgeries, and my body that I find the most invasive and othering.
And I have three rules:
1: Do I need to know this in order to effectively work in solidarity with people? (ask the question)
2: Am I asking this simply because I am curious? (don’t ask the question)
3: Can I find this information out somewhere else (google, book, blog)?
What do you think? Are there more guidelines you’d add? Things you don’t agree with? Let’s hear it!
Thank you so much for your blog, your honesty and transparency. As an ally it is helpful to get feedback on how to best walk alongside our LGBTQ friends.
I had one question about your rule #2. I think in general it’s probably a very good rule. If I don’t know someone very well, it seems inappropriate to ask questions just out of curiosity. However, one of my closest friends is trans and it was enormously helpful to me in understanding her and trans issues better to have someone I could ask all of my dumb questions.
Perhaps an asterisk or amendment to rule #2 to include when and where (besides google) those curiosity questions would be appropriate. I think googling questions is a much better way than asking random strangers, but an unconditional trusting relationship is even better, because it further humanizes people, at least it did for me.
I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback. Thanks again.
This is definitely a good point: If you have a relationship with someone that changes things. I think these are more guidelines for interactions with people you don’t know.
From personal experience: I am much more willing to talk about all of the nitty gritty details with my friends because there is a level of intimacy and trust there. There is a sharing that goes both ways. But I often gets lots of questions from strangers, very distant aquaintances, coworkers, people on the internet, etc. Since I don’t have a relationship of trust with those folks questions that wouldn’t be invasive to talk about with my best friend still seem invasive. Does that make sense?
These are definitely more guidelines for folks who aren’t in a close relationship. I think a good rule of thumb, if you are close to someone, is simply to ask “What questions are you okay with?” Or to let them guide the discussion.
Even with someone you are close to the question you mentioned is very helpful, “What questions are you okay with?” Thanks again.
If I am curious, I think it also helps to fully own that. To pause for a moment before possibly asking a friend, connect with that this is really about ME and my curiosity and not about them, connect with my respect for them, their boundaries and their power of choice (I have no right whatsoever to know, and I have probably no idea how the question will land for them based on their history and how they are doing at the moment). And if I then choose to ask, do that from from a place of respect and humility.
Fully owning what leads me to make a request of someone also leaves more of the processing work where it belongs (as opposed to throwing my own insecurity at someone in a weird way and making it their task to sort it out).
This is obvious, probably, but if you don’t feel comfortable asking a person directly (either due to a healthy sense of respect, or to an awkwardness around gender that YOU have to process for yourself), don’t discuss their gender with other people!
Don’t gossip, and don’t say things that might invite others to gossip.
Great point! When my friend transitioned, I got asked questions often about her. There were probably times I shared when I shouldn’t have, but I also often told people to talk to her directly, because she was very open about it.
I think it’s important to recognize that homosexuality has been normalized for a lot of people, but trans issues are still very unfamiliar to the majority. I was totally welcoming and affirming when my friend came out to me, but trans was so far outside of my experience that I needed help processing and understanding.
I don’t want to diminish anyone’s very real experience of oppression and othering, but I wonder what would help make the process more mutual for those allies who are on board, but don’t have all the knowledge of these issues. These guidelines are super helpful. What about “Guidelines for helping your ally friend with their dumb questions”?
I don’t want to put an undue burden on trans people. Just a thought.
I think it’s important to recognize that it’s the friend/acquaintance/ally who has the responsibility to learn on their own about trans* issues. You’re exactly correct that people can go to the internet, books, or other sources for information.
One thing I would add is that a lot of information about trans issues online is out of date, specific to particular countries, inaccurate in various ways etc etc so quite possibly a good question for a not-trans person or someone wondering whether they are trans to ask of a trans person is “Can you recommend some good websites for me to learn more about trans people / transphobia / transition /whatever?” It shows you’re interested and that you want to find out more but also shows you recognise that the trans person isn’t obliged to teach you themself.