Something has happened several times recently that left me feeling badly about myself. I’ve been out with friends or talking to someone I haven’t seen in a while and the question inevitably turns to what we we’ve been up to. So I rattle off all of the various things I am doing (which are work or ministry related). Then the person asks, “What do you do for fun?” And I pause. Then I tell them that I mostly hang out at home and read books. They look at me with a bit of pity and I try to come up with something more exciting.

I leave the conversation feeling like I should be more exciting. I should get out and do more stuff! I should explore! I should meet new people!

Then I had a three part realization:

1: I really love the work I am doing right now. It is work that I feel called to, work that fulfills me, work that I have been dreaming of for years. I love church planting. I love directing Camp Osiris. I love teaching Queer Theology. All of this stuff excites me! And honestly, I am doing all of these projects after I work a full day/week.

2: I am an introvert. Which means that after I work a full day and then come home and work on either the church start, camp, or queer theology, I am exhausted and need time to recharge. I need time that is quiet, where I can read, reflect, etc.

and 3: I like being at home by myself and reading! I like being able to putter around my apartment and do whatever feels right in the moment. I like being able to stay in bed all day with a good book, take a nap if I feel sleepy, cook delicious food, watch baseball, etc.

So I have decided to not feel guilty any more if people think I am not exciting enough. I am not going to feel like a loser for staying home and doing stuff that I enjoy. I am not going to feel like a workaholic for spending my time on projects that I am passionate about.

My life might seem anti-climactic to some folks, but honestly I am the most at peace and the most fulfilled I have ever been. I feel like I am exactly where I need to be. (And sometimes where I need to be is hanging out at home, alone, for the entire weekend.)

Did you miss the announcement of the new project I’m working on? Check it out!

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A change is coming. Things are shifting; my attention is getting pulled in new directions.

I poured myself out in this space over the years: I shared my story, shared what I was reading, asked questions, and more. But I also spent a lot of time raging against systems, shaking my fist at the ceiling, and crying out for change. I think that sometimes those moments are necessary and vital (and so you’ll probably continue to see some of those things happen) but I am sensing a shift within myself: I’m tired of trying to convince people to do justice. I’m tired of trying to convince people to listen to queer folks. I’m tired of trying to convince churches to take media seriously.

So here’s what I’m going to do instead: I am going to create epic shit. I am going to listen to Kid President and I am going to be awesome! And along the way I’m going to share what I’m learning. I’m going to share what’s working and what’s not working. I’ll share tips and ideas and I encourage you to do the same.

I believe the future of the church is in people doing new things. I believe that we can create communities and projects that are sustainable, that provide for our needs and the needs of others, and that are attractive and make the world better. I believe that we can learn from the evangelical church, from business, from marketing, from TedTalks, and more without compromising on who we are called to be. I believe that I have something to offer in this brave new world; as a guide, as a teacher, as a worker.

I want to create something epic. Will you join me?

What is alive in you right now? What epic shit do you feel called to create? How are you going to be awesome? Leave a comment or send me an email.

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Lately I’ve been feeling stuck. Unsure of what to write about. I’ve been feeling uninspired and bored. Part of it is the depression I always suffer from during this time of the year, part of it is the weather, but most of it, I think, is a sense that this space needs to shift somehow. It needs to expand to hold more of what I do and am. I have no idea what that will look like at this point or when, exactly, this will all happen, but I can feel it coming.

I thought that for today I would share some of the things I’ve been thinking about. Some of this stuff might be expanded in the near future, but for today you get the short versions. Consider this a brain dump of sorts:

* I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a priest today. How one should move through the world, what that role means and looks like.

* I’ve been thinking about what it means to be a Catholic; what it means to be coming late to this party and how my world intersects with people who are in the Roman Catholic world.

* I’ve been thinking about Camp Osiris. About how to get the word out, how to make it happen, but even more importantly what it should be. I am really, really excited about our May camp. It’s going to be amazing and powerful.

* I’ve been thinking about House of the Transfiguration. We have our first launch group meeting set and I’m spending a lot of time thinking about the format and form of those meetings and hoping that people show up!

* I’m thinking a lot about the papal election. Even though it doesn’t affect me, I am still fascinated. And especially fascinated by the folks using new media to get the word out. I love the Pope Alarm, the Conclave Chimney twitter account, the papal betting sites, and, of course, the Peepal Conclave.

* I spend a lot of time thinking about marketing, new media, and the church. About how we do (or don’t) market the work that we do. About our resistance to using those tools. About false modesty. About the judgment we place on people who use these tools.

* I think a lot about aesthetics; both the look and feel of worship spaces and the look and feel of worship. I think a lot about the look of logos and church websites; of the entry points to our communities online. I think about packaging and postcards and stickers and print materials. I think about how things sound and feel and look.

* I think about the things we put up with when it comes to church and why maybe we shouldn’t have to.

* I think a lot about vision and leadership. About the ways we speak about those things; about ways to have vision and be a leader in a healthy way. I think a lot about what it looks like when we don’t have vision and leadership in communities. I’m thinking about how to hold fast to vision unapologetically.

* I’ve been thinking about the ways that I define things differently than other people and how that makes me feel “less than”. Whether it’s defining (and living out) Christian anarchy or Catholicism or being a priest, I’m thinking about the expectations that I feel from other people and how handcuffed I feel when I am not living up to those expectations. I’m trying to think about embracing the fear and doing it anyway: to live my truth even in the midst of criticism.

* I think a lot about church planting. About what it means and what it takes. About creating spaces and communities. About finding kindred spirits. About doing things different. About coming home and creating home.

So that’s what’s been on my mind. These are the things I am working through and thinking through, the things that are weighing me down and giving me life. These are things that are half-formed or feel fragile. Honestly, I think I’m just feeling a little fragile these days. But also feeling on the cusp of some great work and ministry. It’s both scary and exciting.

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I have generally been a lenten failure. It’s not that I set a goal and then fail on it, it’s that I never quite get started. Oh, I have grand plans! “I am going to observe lent!” I say with a spring in my step. Then the next thing I know it’s Palm Sunday and I have no idea where the time has gone and I haven’t done anything to prepare.

This has always been my struggle with devotional practices. When I was an evangelical I was always making grand plans to have a “quiet time” and then failing miserably. And then feeling guilty for failing. And then making new grand plans. And then…You can see where this is heading. Who says that Catholics have the corner on guilt?

It’s not that I don’t think about God; I think about God a lot. I read lots and lots of books on theology and church issues. I think and write about what it means to be the church and what it means to be a Christian. But this element of personal spiritual practice has always been a struggle for me. It’s not even that I don’t want to do it because I desperately do. I want to be one of those people who can spend hours in prayer, who has a mystical connection with God, who is invested in Scripture reading and prayer. But for some reason I always fail. I set my alarm so I can pray the hours and then I have a meeting at work and miss one of them, or I oversleep, or I feel like I have to be in the right mindset to pray and then I am never in that mindset and so I don’t pray.

So as I’ve been thinking about Lent this year I’ve been stressing about what my practice should be. Giving something up has never felt right or helpful for me personally. The idea of giving up Facebook or chocolate would be perfunctory. The idea of adding something in seems more helpful and so I’ve been thinking about what to add. Of course, my mind has a list of about 40 things that would be great but then I worry about overdoing it and feeling guilty and here it is…Ash Wednesday…and I’m still trying to figure out what makes sense.

Here’s my plan: I’m putting it out there so it’s public and so that folks can hold me accountable. Feel free to ask how things are going and to share what you’re doing in the comments. We can be Lenten buddies.

*I want to pray at least the morning and evening office. Maybe more, but at the very least two. (I also want to try to keep a list of things to pray about throughout this time so I can be intentional. If you’d like prayer for something, feel free to send me an email, tweet at me, or leave a comment.)

*I’m going to read at least one book on the priesthood. I have one by Archbishop Sheen on dock.

*I want to try Eucharistic adoration at least once during Lent. I’ve never done it before and I want to have that experience.

*I want to go to Mass at least twice. This is a hard one because I work on Sundays and I still don’t have a parish locally that I feel comfortable in as a queer person. But I’m going to try to find a place to go because I need the experience.

That’s my plan. It feels mostly doable and I don’t think it’s taking on too much.

What about you? What has your experience been with Lent? What are you doing this year?

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It has been a whirlwind couple of weeks. Amazing and exhausting all at the same time. As an introvert, big events (like my ordination) take a while to process. I’ve spent the past week being mostly quiet, trying to process everything that has happened (and slowly, slowly trying to put my apartment back into some kind of liveable shape!).

When I sent out the press release about my ordination I thought that there might be a bit of interest; some local indie paper, a couple of blogs, etc. And then, suddenly, I was getting emails and phone calls. Folks were sending reporters and photographers. I’m not entirely comfortable with the attention. I don’t want it to be newsworthy that a church is doing the right thing in ordaining a trans* person. I don’t want it to be newsworthy that there are churches that welcome all people. But in this world these things are news. I’ve had to keep reminding myself of why I sent out the press release: A new community needs people to get started and people have to know the community exists. Even more than that, though, I think of what it would have meant to me as a kid to see a transgender person being ordained. I think of how much it would have meant to know that I could still live out my calling.

I have to admit that I’ve felt a new sense of vulnerability since the press happened. I’ve been fairly anonymous over the years, only recently attaching my name and photos to things I’ve written. I’ve been both desirous of being out as a trans* person (in order to give much needed visibility) and also uncomfortable with being pigeon holed into only being able to do queer work. Suddenly my name and face are attached to headlines that say “Transgender Man Is Ordained” and I feel vulnerable. Like everyone is watching, like I am suddenly very, very visible. I have had to remind myself over and over and over again to not read the comments on anything posted about me. (When I have ventured into those comments sections it’s been difficult. On the one hand there are people (both gay and straight) saying that being trans* is really sick. Then there are queer folks saying that I am stupid for remaining in the church.) It’s a new reality to adjust to.

Then there is the ordination itself:

As far as I can tell, the ordination rite in the Old Catholic church is designed to do two things: 1: to affirm your calling to ministry and 2: to scare the spit out of you with the weight of that calling.

There are several things that stand out to me about the service. The power of laying prostrate on the floor before the altar as the congregation prayed for the wisdom and blessing of the saints, the feel of the hands on my head and shoulders as people offered their words of blessing and prayers for my ministry, and the Bishop handing me the Gospels and telling me “Receive the Gospel of Christ, whose herald you now are. Believe what you read, teach what you believe, and practice what you preach.” It is humbling to have that kind of trust placed in you. Humbling to have this calling. I feel so thankful that I get to do this work.

I am sure that I will have a lot more to say as I continue to process this momentous event. I’ll have video of the service up early next week (I hit my upload limit and have to wait for it to re-up)! But until then, here are some photos of the day (I tried to embed them, but it wouldn’t work!). They were taken by the very talented Orrin Pratt.

Thank you all for your incredible support. There were more people watching the livestream than were in physical attendance. It makes me so grateful for my online community. I am blessed to have you in my life.

Want posts by email and occasional extras, including my new ebook “A Guide To Recovering From Fundamentalism”?

My ordination to the priesthood of the North American Old Catholic Church is tomorrow, January 19th at 3pm CST (central). 
If you are far away and would like to participate in the service there are a couple of things you can do! 

Starting around 2:45pm CST you can watch a livestream of the ordination.

To better follow along and participate, you can download a pdf of the Ordination Program. It includes the songs, text, and responses. 01 January 19, 2013 – Ordination of Shannon Kearns

In the lead up to, and during, the ordination, you can tweet using the hashtag #shaysordination. Please send well wishes, blessings, and other thoughts. After the ordination I’ll be putting all of the hashtagged tweets together as part of my scrapbook.

Thank you again for all of your support! I really hope that you can join in and witness this event in my life!

Want posts by email and occasional extras, including my new ebook “A Guide To Recovering From Fundamentalism”?